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1. Welcome to the greatest show on earth, folks! It's Slothy here, manning the boom mike as your DJ for the affair. Watch out for Boa, he's recording every word spoken with his concealed hat-mic and pocket recorder. This paragraph causes the reader to glean no information - it's good practice for the standardized tests reading portion. The test questions below do not apply this portion.

2. To kick off the new year (quoted incorrectly by some as the year of the tiger, but we all know that it's really the year of the iCE), we're ecstatic to welcome eight new artists this month. That's right! In the ANSI Department, I'd like to personally welcome Count Zer0 to our team! Now, for the new additions to the VGA Department (here goes in alphabetical order): Fire From Heaven, Ian Dale, Mli, Psyanide, Steven Stahlberg, Trauma, and last but not least, Tim Wallace. All of these guys & gals are absolutely fantastic (like we would have anything else... ) and I think they'll turn some heads for a long time to come.

3. We have to sadly wave goodbye to mr4tune, who was accidentally dropped while attempting a death-defying show of being hung by his toes from the top of our radio station, K RAD. We even played a Live & Accoustic version of "Mmmm Bop" in mourning for his loss.

4. We're kicking off a brand new funk in the group this month! Every month, one artist will be awarded the title of "Artist of the Month(tm)". Thank God for well-paid marketing teams to come up with our Catchy Names(tm). All artists who are awarded the "Artist of the Month(tm)" go through a rigorous ceremony. First they put on their Burger King crown, then they stand in a chair while everyone sings the "Artist of the Month(tm)" song. It's a very cheery tune that is about noodles and cupcakes and other happy things! Anyway, the first artist to receive this terribly exciting title is the brand-new, all-natural, cuts-through-a-lead-pipe, no-preservatives, Count Zer0! Everyone cheer for his majesty (I left that out... the Artist of the Month(tm) must be referred to as "his/her majesty" for the duration of the month).

5. We are officially announcing that we have been working for some time on a brand new web site, with MUCH more content and eyecandy galore. We will leak some more information in the coming months.

6. That's all for this month, folks! Remember that this is only the first pack of 1998 - just wait to see what we have in store for you!

-Lord Soth

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